A Reader's Comment

Once again, I received another wonderful entry by a reader. I feel so lucky to have other women like you share your thoughts and impressions during your trying to conceive journey. I certainly don't have all the answers and my perspective and scope is so small. It is truly wonderful to hear from another woman going through this! Thank you so so much for sharing!!!!!!

Line jumping.

I guess I had never put a name to it, but line jumping is what tears me up like nothing else about this whole process. Other parts I can force myself to handle. I can get mad at myself for not having a good enough uterus to merit a child. I can get frustrated with my husband (unfortunately) for not understanding what he simply could never understand about being a woman. But I can get over that. We're in this together. I can get mad at myself again for making choices about my reproductive health that now seem to have doomed my future of planned child-bearing.

But line jumping, now that involves getting mad at other people, especially acquaintances, who have done nothing to purposefully harm you but have done everything to not care.

My husband picked up on my hostility a few months ago, when we'd already been trying quite awhile. He told me glibly about one of his friends' pregnancies and I responded to the sarcastic tune of "Great, another pregnancy. How about you just not tell me anymore every time you find out someone's pregnant?" He responded with, "Babe, I really think you need to get over it and try harder to be happy for people. You're really not trying very hard."

Not trying very hard? Not trying very hard?! I have never been one to despise or hold grudges against other people. I'm better with writing, so I wrote him a long response to the "try harder" comment comparing my inability to conceive a child in my womb to maybe him one day not being able to do something that all other guys can do. I think he finally started to understand the hopelessness and feelings of failure that women have when they're not able to do the one thing that God seems to have put us on earth to do - have and raise our children.

I was mad as anything at him for that comment, but looking back, I see where he was gently giving me some important wisdom. The truth is, I wasn't trying very hard. I had gotten to the point of not even hiding my disdain when I heard about a pregnancy.

I thought back to the happiness we had when we first found out we were pregnant, the pure, unadulterated joy and innocence that came with having a perfect pregnancy. Remembering the innocence we had, with the child that was born to us with no conception problems, made me realize that there are many, many women out there who really don't understand the pain of waiting, of trying, of timing, of failing. Many women are blessed with multiple perfect pregnancies close together or right when they want them. However, having lost our second child, I know now that those women will never have what we have.

No matter how much they love their children, I will love all mine more for simply their coming into the world according to God's timing. I have waited and prayed over the child we're hoping for. This child has consumed my waking thoughts and consumed my dreams. This child will be loved with an all-knowing love, because you never know what you've got until it's gone.

One more thought. I have discovered that line jumpers are not always who they seem. The first time I met a girl, she was pregnant with her second. The children were going to be just 19 months apart. She seemed to be a classic case of line-jumping. However, when I actually became friends with her and started getting into these topics, I discovered that she and her husband had lost 2 children before getting pregnant with their first, hardly the type of girl to be jealous over. They had started trying shortly after their first child was born because they simply weren't expecting too much of their pregnancies.

I think it is pretty easy to tell from comments made and statuses changed who has been through what struggles. Just know that we should never want someone else's life, because it is rarely what it seems. God has something great in store for us. He just needs us to wait. Waiting could be half the journey.



-- anonymous reader



Thank you again- soooo much! You have great pearls of wisdom in your writing and I know many women will benefit from your perspective!

If YOU would like share something- anything- feel free to leave a comment or email me at knitinme@gmail.com If you would rather the comment or entry not be published, just say so and I won't post it!!!!!! ;-)